I’m finally going to get married. It will be a fine day too, though none of my relatives will be there and most are more embarrassed of me than proud of me. I received an email from “Fred Walker” who claimed to be a attractive blonde and in the email was a link which I felt compelled to click on. That was the start of my wife hunting.
Before you start clicking links in emails, I want to warn you that not all of the potential mail order brides are attractive like you would assume they would be. The fortunate part is that with today’s plastic surgery, you can turn an ugly girl into someone that you wouldn’t be grossed out by if you saw her with the lights on.
I went to the website and as it seemed to be very demanding in telling me “DON’T LET LOVE PASS YOU BY!” Once I was on the website I realized that I just couldn’t let love pass me by (or anything else that I could afford to domesticate).
I was shown 8 different pictures of women and took my time in deciding which picture I would click on first in order to learn more about them. By taking my time, I would be showing self control and restraint and of course contemplating the odds that any Russian woman I chose couldn’t outrun me in a regular public location in order to get away.
Diano Dio seemed nice, but looked angry.
Red Flower really seemed to be a good choice and at age 34 wouldn’t likely be as in good shape and thus more willing to deal with me and my mishapen grotesqueness.
Seamerm looked like the sex change surgeries hadn’t been finished, so I was going to avoid her for the time being.
Musegirl remined me of a girl that use to beat me up in school… and I actually liked college besides that.
Fiery looked like she was full-figured, but if I wanted that I would just search out an obese American woman and have her beat me down mentally.
KyshaVol looked like she wasn’t Russian, and if I’m going to be paying for a Russian woman, than damn it, I want a Russian woman!
ValinnaSky! looked like she could defy gravity in her picture, so I will definitely be checking her out more.
Immortal looked attractive and at just age 20 she’s probably too dumb to realize what a lazy lay is, so there is great potential there. Unfortunately seeing the wine reminded me of Aunt Lilly and those memories are still being removed by therapy.
Red Flower’s page showed me more statistics, which helped me learn much more about her. There were definitely problems with her profile and I’d like to be helpful to her now and let her know a few things.
1) If you are trying to hook up like this, don’t admit divorce. It just shows someone else didn’t want you already.
2) Don’t talk about your children, if you have them or not. I’m not looking for a family, I’m looking for a bride. Just wrap your kid in a box and open him after the wedding while yelling “SURPISE!”.
3) When it asked what your body type is, just say I’m damn fine, don’t refuse to answer. Even saying I’m pudgier than a Mexican in Los Angeles at east gives some indication.
Enough of Red Flower, sorry girl, you’re out of the running. Now it’s time for some VanillaSky!
VanillaSky! has an interesting nickname, it got my attention. And using the exclamation mark as part of her nickname was edgy and reminded me of post-Purple Rain Prince (or the former character known as the former artist formerly known as Prince). VanillySky! also indicates she’s never been married and doesn’t have any kids. Whether that’s true or not doesn’t matter, it just looks better written out.
Being 5′4″ tall means that I can almost be the taller in the relationship, which is a relief that I don’t have to wear my 3″ lifts anymore.
Body type slim. Yep, those pictures seem to agree with you. Nice Photoshop job there!
Her English level reads “I prefer to not say” and that’s totally fine with me. I don’t need to understand what’s being said when she talks, only that there are a couple of needs that I have and a couple of requirements to being a wife. Why even have the ability to talk at all?
Well, I’ve decided on VanillaSky! and hope that I’m able to make it back here soon and post about my new adventures with Mrs. VanillaSky! Retard.
It’s not often that we talk about our personal lives on this site, but Michael is planning the most retarded vacation of all time and I just had to share. His new girl we will call ‘married girl’ is taking a vacation next month and he’s booked a room on the same cruise sneak in some quality time with her. Continue Reading »
Last week my life was literally ruined when I received an email from what I thought was citi fraud protection. The very official looking email looked like the real thing to me and upon getting I rushed to unlock my account. Fortunately I took screenshots of everything and hopefully others can learn from my $7,681.93 mistake.
Here is the email I received:
Unlocking my account:
My credit card statement:
My poor comporomised credit card:
Apparently the practice is referred to as “phishing” and involves people faking their return address in a way that can fool even the most practiced web experts.
How to avoid this incidious trap…
A number of fraudulent email messages that claim to be from Citi Cards, Citibank, or Citigroup have been forwarded to us by our cardmembers. These schemes change frequently and often have links or attachments with links. Users who click on the links are taken to look-alike or “spoofed” sites where they are asked to enter personal data.
The best way to verify a Citi email is to look for the Email Security Zone header at the top of the email. Every Citi Cards email includes your first name, last name, and the last 4 digits of your card number.
Please note that Citi will never ask you for your PIN number, and will never include your full account number in an email–only the last four digits. If you receive an email claiming to be from Citi that includes your full account number, do not respond to it. Instead, forward it to spoof@citicorp.com.
Report Email Fraud
If you suspect that an email appearing to be from Citi is fraudulent, forward it immediately to spoof@citicorp.com. An Internet Security Specialist will investigate. If you have replied to an email with personal information, and now think the email was fraudulent, call us at the toll-free number on the back of your card. Citi will issue a replacement.
The Best Buy in Florida took this picture of "not" me purchasing $2,759.52 for a new plasma TV and Blu-Ray DVD player. Hope you are enjoying all of your new things Jerome (if that is even your real name.)
Jesus forgives you “Jerome”.
No not that one, Jesús Avular the very curteous and professional man from Citi who helped me when I called.
The Olympics won’t be coming to your home town without a billion dollar budget, millions in bribes and kickbacks and recently it requires a suppressive communist government. Don’t let that or a lack of international level athletic talent stop you from competing your home town’s very first Olympic games.
1
100 Meter Run
Measure out something like 100 meters (approximately a football fieldish) and pick something to run against preferably something faster than you that will inspire you to run faster like a train, bus, or riding lawnmower.
2
Long Jump
Look for something that won’t kill you after landing (like a pile of soft trash or some construction gravel) take a running leap and try to jump as far as you can without injuring yourself.
3
Shot Put
With Olympic rules each competitor receives a certain number of throws which you might not get if you are using fruits from a grocery - so make your first throw count. A competition level shot weighs about 16 pounds so to make your throw official look for a heavy fruit like Harvey Firestone.
4
High Jump
The challenge in this event is to find something that you know for sure you can clear, or something that won’t kill you if you hit the obstacle. Brick walls, fences with razor wire, and electrified fences should all be second choices.
5
400 Meter Run
The 400 meter run is the last event of the first day, so you will have a full night’s rest so go all out on this one. Running in traffic should cut two seconds off your time, or get you killed.
6
110 Meter Hurdles
Look for 10 evenly spaced obstacles approximately 1.067 meters (3.5 ft) in height. Construction signs should be suitable - but try to jump opposite to the side of that little light usually on the left.
7
Discus
A freeway shoulder is the perfect place to find a nice throwing area marked out as well as a ready supply of hubcaps which are not official olympic sized they are close enough and much cheaper. All of these events are considered eco-friendly because they focus on recycling!
8
Pole Vault
Look for something soft to land in (people do get killed in this event so caution is the keyword on this one). Try to avoid cactus - your best choice is a bush without thorns with plenty of give in it.
9
Javelin
A fishing pole is more than an adequate stand in for a competition level javelin - and safer! Be ready to run after throwing the fishing pole because as non-athletes the fisherman will not understand your quest for gold.
10
1500 Meter Run
Train stations, marathons, and outdoor events make perfect locations for you final event the 1500 meter run. Now I know nothing about the metric system but that sounds like a mile or something so you may need to walk most of this one, so save some for the end - it looks good on the cameras - which might mitigate any legal issues involved with running along tracks into a train station.
Photographers use a process called tilt-shift miniature faking to take pictures of life size locations or objects and manipulate them the depth of field to make them look like miniature models. By distorting the focus of the photo, the artist simulates the shallow depth of field normally encountered with macro lenses making the scene seem much smaller than it actually is.
Some examples…
The photography process can also be simulated using photoshop if you want to try it here;s a link to a good tutorial.
I realize that nearly everyone in this world wants to make money. I also know that most people are willing to cheat and lie and scam for money, which is their right… usually. But when something comes across my email in order to phish or attempt to scam, things get annoying. So, now I’m annoyed.
Because some of my email addresses have been around for many years, I get to sift through pounds and pounds of email. Within the last couple weeks, I’ve received the same message on multiple email accounts, questions about it from friends, and today a question about it from family. Time to me to warn people about the phishing site “paypal-secure-login.com” before anyone gets scammed.
I went to the site and noticed that it took a long time to load. I pinged the domain name in order to find out what IP address the server responds with, which is 212.199.95.108. I went to Arin and put in the IP address. The result made sense for the website being slow to load, it’s hosted in Amsterdam. The website connection seems slow because chances are the servers are all high.
Looking at the website, it doesn’t look too dissimilar from the real Paypal login site.
Let’s take a quick look at the site and compare it to the real Paypal site though, only we won’t just look at it quickly, we’ll compare it more closely.
The main horizontal link structure looks the same. It even has the same links. Of course, this is pretty smart that most phishing sites don’t take the time to replicate (or steal), because the don’t want you to leave their site. This site takes the chance of you leaving, but gives you a realistic opportunity while you are on the page. We’ll get to the different color address bars in a minutes.
There is definitely something not matching when you look at the bottom status bar, that would be the JavaScript error. Since not all browsers show the status bar (in IE 7 it needs to be enabled for viewing) this is something that might go undetected. Something you can see more obviously in a side-by-side comparison is the lock picture next to the “Account login” words. Though this detail is so minute that it might be missed by even daily Paypal visitors.
The URL looks pretty legit, it has the word “paypal” in it. Notice that it’s not a secure login though. SSL is something that phishing sites don’t attempting to fake (though it is easy to generate SSL certificates). The reason is that phishing sites aren’t trying to get you or me, they are trying to get people not paying attention or just ignorant. The links on both sites are almost entirely the same… including the “Log In” link.
One click on the SSL certificate shows that there the real Paypal site has a certificate from one of the trusted certificate issuers on the Internet.
Small differences continue, this time with the arrow icon next to the language drop down. Both drop down menus have the same options. Without that SSL cert, this looks really realistic.
Sloppiness apparently occurred when the new bottom horizontal links menu was created. Those bottom window links don’t exist on the real Paypal site.
Actually, the only non-Paypal link on the fake-Paypal site was for the “Developers” link. The link doesn’t go anywhere, it just errors out on the fake site, but it’s still one of very few errors on this copy-site.
This is a really good fake phishing site, and should be taken down immediately. Chances are the Amsterdamians are too high to react to requests for the site to be taken down.
If you have any questions about potential phishing sites, please let us know.
Wow, it’s been such a long time since we’ve heard from Karl, a.k.a. Ask The Admin. Apparently it was a slow day today and he decided that he should bring an old story back to life.
To start with Karl, I just want to correct you as we are not a "bunch of Retards", we are actually a horde of Retards. Next, I don’t think that we actually made a spoof of you or your site. We did speak positively about you and said that you helped us out in different ways. Whether it’s true or not about you helping us out, it was not meant to be considered a spoof. Actually, the horde mass in the spoof department was busy working on other things (like "Question the Retard" and "Confuse the slow kids").
The mass legion consensus is that you actually might not know what SEO stands for, so we searched online to get you an answer and found that it doesn’t stand for Super Excellent Orgasms but actually Search Engine Optimization, which got the remaining conscious legion multitude to wonder why you would think that you would do anyone a favor besides your own site by using such a sick and twisted name in an attempt to direct traffic to our site. Funny though, your site comes up first while looking up that search phrase, nice.
The cool thing about Karl is that nobody really knows if he’s as smart as he portrays to be or just searches for answers. Either way, Karl, this link is for you: welcome fellow retard
Oh ya, and the slowest in our multitude pack, I mean horde, tells us that when a cell phone gets wet you shouldn’t use rice (send the rice to Angelina Jolie’s children). The proper method would be:
remove the battery and the SIM (just in case you want to save that information);
use something without a large surface area (toothbrush) to re-wet the area of the phone electronics that previously got wet;
now use some sort of alcohol-based cleaning agent (not gasoline and not drinking alcohol) and go over the previously wet area.
The purpose of the alcohol is to have something can overcome liquid-phase intermolecular forces and has a high vapor pressure at ordinary temperatures. Sorry, I mean the reason for alcohol is that it goes by-by fast.
It was nice hearing from you Karl. Retard Zone readers should visit Karl at his website so they can ask questions instead of looking up the answers online, Karl is a master search engine user!
Guys are kinda dumb and they really like beer, sometimes it smells good and doesn’t taste so good. If only there were a way to smell it but not have to taste it… Wait a second this clever drunk Russian guy has figured out a solution.
Thinking about getting married? This could be the most important mistake decision you will make in your life. There are some benefits, some risks and some potential rewards. Take a quick retarded view on matrimonial bliss and weigh your options before making the plunge to the death of your single life.
1.
You’ll Live Longer
EVIDENCE:Research published in the Journal of Epidemiology and Community Health shows that people that never marry are almost two-thirds more likely to suffer from premature death, with single men more adversely affected than women.
DOWNSIDE: True marriage may make you long for your own death, but statistics prove married men live longer.
UPSIDE: If there is no afterlife you have spent more time ruining the environment, and if there is a hell marriage will probably get credit for time served.
2.
Kids Less Likely to Kill People
EVIDENCE: The nation’s mayors, as well as police officers, social workers, probation officers, and court officials, consistently point to family break up as the most important source of rising rates of crime. Research indicates a direct correlation between crime rates and the number of single-parent families in a neighborhood. Violent offending and recidivism was increased up to 8-fold if the cohort male member had been born and raised in a single-mother family over most of his childhood. Black children from single- parent households are twice as likely to commit crimes as black children from a family where the father is present.
DOWNSIDE: Paternity is only an accusation - marrying will make you a surefire potential victim for child support, if you spread your seed and run you are significantly less likely to get blamed for it.
UPSIDE: Children who aren’t in jail are more likely to visit you in your old age, and that could keep the gun out of your mouth on Christmas one year.
3.
You’ll Make More Money
EVIDENCE: The median annual income of parents who are in an intact first marriage is $41,000. By contrast, the annual median income of cohabiting couples with children is $33,000, and the annual median income of never-married mothers is only $15,000.
DOWNSIDE: You are gambling for more money, divorce is probably one of the most expensive failed life decision you can make, second only to raging drug habit.
UPSIDE: Money can’t buy you happiness - but it can buy a house in a neighborhood without scummy poor people and a bigger flat screen TV.
4.
Married People Are Happier
EVIDENCE: The General Social Survey regularly asks adults whether they are “very happy,” “pretty happy,” or “not too happy.” Married persons are twice as likely to report being very happy when compared with divorced or never-married adults.
DOWNSIDE: True married people are happier - but what the study fails to mention is that divorced are the most miserable. Think of marriage as Russian Roulette, if the wheel lands on divorce you might take a bullet.
UPSIDE: If you wind up having one of those Hallmark greeting card marriages that would be more fun than dredging single bars for ugly chicks.
5.
Better Sex Life
EVIDENCE: According to a University of Chicago National Sex Survey, 43 percent of married men reported having sex at least twice a week, while only 1.26 percent of single men not cohabiting had sex that often. 50 percent of married men and 42 percent of married women find sex physically and emotionally satisfying, while only 39 percent of cohabiting men and 39 percent of cohabiting women do.
DOWNSIDE: That is a pretty expensive 3 percent (single women 39% satisfying vs. 42% satisfying for married woman). On the downside you are having sex with the same person over and over for the rest of your life - I love chocolate cookie dough ice cream but if that was the only ice cream I ever had I would grow to hate it.
UPSIDE:From these stats is does appear as if you are more likely to have slightly better sex if married.
6.
Doubles Your Savings
EVIDENCE: Married households accumulate far more than twice the amount of any other households, or an accumulated a total of about $410,000.
DOWNSIDE: Many man stay married to simply keep their nice house and savings.
UPSIDE: With social security failing and health care in it’s present state you might need that extra wealth to pay for that heart surgery to save your life later on.
7.
Safer for Women
EVIDENCE: Wives are far less likely to be crime victims than single women. When all crimes are considered, single and divorced women are four to five times more likely to be victims. They are ten times more likely than wives to be victims of rape and three times more likely to be victims of aggravated assault.
DOWNSIDE: Of all violent crimes against partners that occurred between 1979 and 1987, 65 percent were committed by boyfriends or ex-husbands - so if you leave your little safety bubble you may pay for it with your life.
UPSIDE: Most women surveyed prefer not to be raped or murdered.
8.
Kids Less Likely to be Poor
EVIDENCE: Children in married-couple families were much less likely to be living in poverty than children living only with their mothers. In 2005, 9 percent of children in married-couple families were living in poverty, compared with 43 percent in female-householder families.
DOWNSIDE: If you get divorced all of your disposable income will go towards them, and pay for ex wife to get a new car and date ‘uncle steve’ or mommy’s new sleep over buddy/girl’s softball coach.
UPSIDE: Having kids is a great retirement plan, you can always call and guilt them over the pain of child birth or the price of their braces to extort money out of them.
9.
Avoid A Heart Attack
EVIDENCE: Married men are less likely to die of heart disease than bachelors. Scientists looked at men with mildly high blood pressure and found that after 3 years of marriage, the happily married men had healthier hearts than their unmarried brothers.
DOWNSIDE: Marriage was 7th on the list for heart saving steps - eating fish and buying a dog were much higher up and didn’t cost several thousand dollars a month in alimony and child support.
UPSIDE: If there is no afterlife you have spent more time ruining the environment, and if there is a hell marriage will probably get credit for time served.
10.
Forces You to Grow Up
EVIDENCE: Married men drink less, fight less, and are less likely to engage in criminal activity than their single peers. Married husbands and fathers are significantly more involved and affectionate with their wives and children than men in cohabiting relationships. Single men are five times more likely to commit violent crimes than married men
DOWNSIDE: Married men have to call and ask their wives before they do anything fun which pretty much rules out doing any of the really fun/dangerous/illegal stuff.
UPSIDE: Being more responsible could keep you out of some really stupid situations like waking up from a drinking binge with a girl that is so ugly you want to chew your arm off rather than wake her up.
Marriage does have it’s risks Divorced and separated adults are more than two and a half times more likely to attempt suicide than
are currently married adults.
The greatest risk of death was seen in men who divorced and reported many work stressors during the study period–the combined factors were associated with a 69% increased risk of death due to all causes, the report indicates.
Conclusion: Divorce sucks more than marriage is beneficial, avoid having bastard children and run, run like wind if your girl mentions settling down…
In what may be the most ironic product names of all time hello kitty from Sanrio is selling a vibrating massager on it’s online store. It was being marketed as a “shoulder massager” but just take a look at it…
It all started back in 1997 when Sanrio gave a license to Genyo Co. to make a number of different Hello Kitty products. They produced all different types of products and one that was approved was a Hello Kitty shoulder massager. This was sent out to gift shops, restaurant chains, and other knick-knack stores and was truly sold as a shoulder massager around Japan initially.
It wasn’t long, however, that some people decided to use the shoulder massagers to massage other areas besides their shoulders. The Hello Kitty shoulder massagers that were being sold at the store down the street began to show up in adult movies. Soon they were also being sold in video shops and the sales of the product skyrocketed. Eventually it made its way online to be sold internationally as a “must have” toy.
When Sanrio found out that the shoulder massager was being sold as a sex toy, they claimed to be disgusted, especially since the Sanrio name and Hello Kitty character were on it. They immediately contacted Genyo Co. and asked them to stop. The Hello Kitty toy had at this point gained cult status and was selling like hotcakes and Genyo Co. had no intention of letting a hugely profitable product be taken off the shelf just because people were using it to stimulate other parts than intended. Sanrio tried to revoke Genyo’s licensing rights, but Genyo refused saying they had a valid license that had been approved and had spent much money developing the product.
Since Sanrio was supposedly so disgusted and enraged by this “shoulder massager,” but the company’s online store has begun reselling the item for $10 (1260 yen) in the Sanrio Japanese online store (in Japanese):
I’m finally going to get married. It will be a fine day too, though none of my relatives will be there and most are more embarrassed of me than proud of me. I received an email from “Fred Walker” who claimed to be a attractive blonde and in the email was a link which I felt compelled to click on. That was the start of my wife hunting.
Filed under: 
100 Meter Run
Long Jump
Shot Put
High Jump
400 Meter Run
110 Meter Hurdles
Discus
Pole Vault
Javelin
1500 Meter Run
You’ll Live Longer
Kids Less Likely to Kill People
You’ll Make More Money
Married People Are Happier
Better Sex Life
Doubles Your Savings
Safer for Women
Kids Less Likely to be Poor
Avoid A Heart Attack
Forces You to Grow Up
Divorced and separated adults are more than two and a half times more 
