You know you’re having a bad day or watching a terribly stupid movie when someone close to you is carried off by a
ghost dinosaur These usually invisible ghosts of giant herds of dinosaur ghosts. The movie asserts that oil fields are actually just dinosaur cemeteries. When the ‘disease’ is in advanced stages the herd is not only visible but will grab you up.

Retard Survival Tip:
To survive simply close your eyes, apparently if you can’t see them they really aren’t there and can’t harm you.

People are not the only victims of this mysterious disease unlocked by drilling in the arctic. Bulldozers, trucks and snowmobiles all fall victim to the possibly gas emissions released by drilling on the dinosaur cemetery.

Some vehicles have their oil spill out and others simply won’t start.

Retard Survival Tip:
Be sure to carry along some extra motor oil and a jumper cables and an extra pair of hiking boots just in case.

When our lone survivor Abby is rescued and taken to a hospital over a hundred miles away she apparently carries The Last Winter or TLW Disease
with her. When she awakes from her rescue the hospital is empty and she stumbles upon her doctor who has already hung himself.

Retard Survival Tip:
Shoot the survivors, they are contagious like in the movie The Ruins (where villagers shoot those who touch the contagious plants) combined with The Happening (Where plants go on a suicide inducing hormone releasing spree).

Retard Survival Tip:
Just because this movie is about drilling doesn’t give you an excuse to go picking your nose. Remember it’s not just gross it’s potentially fatal.

TLW Disease is apparently airborne and causes airplanes to crash barbecuing three victims. Somewhat disturbingly the foreman pins his escape plan on getting 10 people into the tiny four person Cessna 172 (but the movie was on a limited budget).

Retard Survival Tip:
Travel by sea, the air and land are definitely unsafe but no one dies on the water so it’s probably the safest means of transportation.

The strategy of "mainstreaming" is to put children who can’t keep up with grade level work in the class with functioning students. Across the country teachers are spending a huge percentage of their time slowing down their curriculum to try to keep these slower students up with the rest of the class. In Europe there is a college bound tract and a trade school tract where children who aren’t college material are taught valuable trade skills.

Retard Survival Tip:
The homicidal behavior was only exhibited by the nearly 300 pound Dawn Russell character so it’s safe to assume it only effects fat chicks (avoid them at all costs).

At the end of the movie our lone survivor emerges from her abandoned hospital room to here thumping noises. You can tell the camera starts to pan back to reveal the city she is staring at only to abruptly cut to black. It’s pretty obvious the movie was aiming for one of those 28 Days Later city in ruins shots but lacked the budget.

Retard Survival Tip:
If you don’t have the money to film something leave it out (see original Star Wars). When hiring a script writer don’t grab the same lazy idiot who ended the last episode of the Sopranos by clicking the off button in the middle of a scene.

Scientists have long theorized that dinosaurs somehow evolved into modern day birds. This movie finally puts the debate on that and drilling in ANWAR to rest. Specifically crows are most closely related to dinosaurs. These crows have something to do with the TLW disease, have somehow developed an immunity to live in the Arctic tundra. The crows subsist in the frigid temperatures by consuming the numerous human victims of the TLW disease.

Retard Survival Tip:
Bring along a be bee gun, the crows may or may not have anything to do with the disease but by killing them you can ensure that at least your remains aren’t eaten by the flying scavengers.

A giant herd of caribou like dinosaurs with antlers reveals what only a few brave scientists have theorized. This herd appears as wind to the uninfected only to appear and kill their victims once infected by the disease.

Retard Survival Tip:
Take a Bible with you this whole evolution thing is incompatible with the creation theory of God making everything in seven days. The book many not only save your spirit but it might just make these make-believe creatures disappear.

Originally the movie was going to be shot in the grassy forests of Alaska. When ANWAR became more relevant filming was moved further north and one early shot was left in showing the test well much further south in a grassy area.

Retard Survival Tip:
The test well is nothing more than a large refrigerator sized pandora’s box. Covering it with Chernobyl style domes will lock the deadly disease causing gases inside. With the small size of the well an oversized salad bowl or camping tent should do the trick as the well cap is apparently only a few feet high.

On September 29th 2038 Pamela Anderson, 71 died at Arnold Schwarzenegger
Memorial Hospital in Riverside California. Memorial services in Hollywood drew huge crowds that were estimated to be over 70 thousand people a week later. The event was a huge phenomenon covered on all both remaining TV networks for days. Pamela was hugely popular in China were her iconic image survived her career meltdown in the late 2020’s.

She is survived by her two sons Dylan Jagger Lee 42 and Brandon Thomas Lee 40.

Pamela became a recluse after her failed marriage to Donald Trump and the infamous Tommy & Pamela Uncensored 2 tape.Her aging appearance became a punch line for comedians. She was rear ely seen in public and her photo was one of the most elusive targets for celebrity chasing Paparazzi. She kept to herself and family although still remained active to her favorite cause PETA. She would occasionally to voice-over’s for commercials with her trademark sultry voice although mostly for products targeting aging baby-boomers.

Pamela’s money woes led her to look into marketing your brand image and she was known to license anyone willing to pay her money to use her name. Perhaps the most famous was a sexy adult line of diapers targeting incontinent baby boomers. The product was actually a moderate success and helped her pay off her legal bills and provided much needed retirement income.

Pamela briefly married Donald Trump for seven months prior to his death at age 84. The 83 year old entrepreneurial icon was suffering from colon cancer and many felt he his mental faculties were in decline. His children from previous marriages accused pamela of taking advantage of the frail Donald and a string of lawsuits over his estate went on for years.

Like Anna Nicole Smith Pamela another Playmate who married a wealthy geriatric man Pamela never received the millions she may have been looking for. Legal fees actually outstripped her modest settlement and the entire affair was a major drain on her assets.

Pamela’s final appearance in Playboy holds the dubious distinction of being the worst selling issue of the magazine’s nearly more than 75 year history.

After a long string of more than 25 appearances her final pictorial was probably one too many. The flabby and out of shape 60 year-old Pamela was a marketing disaster for the struggling magazine.
One of the final magazines in print the historic magazine ceases printing only months later. Many blame the demise squarely on this issue which attracted some older subscribers sickened those under 55.

In a rare acting appearance Pamela starred as Pheobe Skyler an aging rock star coming to terms with her career in decline and losing her looks. Many felt the independent film role was semiautomatic and the
performance seemed genuine. Many considered the movie "Forgotten Yesterdays" to be the high point of her professional acting career. She went on to be nominated for an Oscar for best actress and a Golden Globe nomination.

Following the part she followed up with several smaller roles in film and television but never received the acclaim or attention she achieved in her 2018 hit.

In 2013 Pamela launched her latest "new look" many were not ready for a surgically altered 50 year old woman as a sex symbol. The Playboy pictorial met mixed reviews and her TV show "Deadly Cougar" was a ratings disaster and only two episodes were aired on CBS.

Many experts consider 2008
to be the end of Pamela’s attractive phase. At 40 her age and repeated attempts at
improving her looks combined to result in a freakish appearance that many would refer to as

In April 2005, Anderson starred in a new FOX sitcom Stacked as Skyler Dayton, a party girl (with implants), who goes to work at a bookstore. It was canceled on May 18, 2006, after two seasons, although some episodes had not been aired on the network.

The film bombed commercially and critically. At the 1997 Razzie Awards, Anderson ‘won’ for Worst New Star. The movie was also nominated for Worst Actress, Anderson, Worst Original Song, ‘Welcome to Planet Boom’ by Tommy Lee, Worst Picture, Worst Screen Couple, for Anderson’s ‘impressive enhancements’ and Worst Screenplay.

In 1993 Pamela landed the role of C. J. Parker on Baywatch. Anderson was still modeling for Outdoor Life and appearing on the cover of the magazine each year. Her role as C.J. Parker gave her more popularity and gained her attention from international viewers. She returned to Baywatch for the 2003 reunion movie, Baywatch: Hawaiian Wedding. She also made appearances on The Nanny as Fran’s rival, Heather Biblow.

After her move to Los Angeles, Anderson bleached her brunette hair blonde. In 1991, she landed a minor role as the original "Tool Time girl" on the hit television sitcom, Home Improvement. She left the show after two seasons

In late 1989, Anderson decided to model for Playboy magazine. She first appeared as their October 1989 cover girl. At this stage in her modeling career she had decided to live in Los Angeles to further pursue her career ambitions. She became a centerfold for Playboy when the magazine chose her to be their Playmate of the Month for their February 1990 issue. Anderson has since appeared in Playboy several times in the 1990s and the following decade.

After graduating from Highland Secondary School in 1985, Anderson moved to Vancouver and worked as a fitness instructor. During the summer of 1989, Anderson went with her friends to a BC Lions game at BC Place; at some point during the game she was shown on the stadium screen wearing a Labatt’s t-shirt, causing the crowd to cheer for the 21-year-old Anderson. She was taken down to the field to get an ovation from the crowd. Labatt’s immediately offered Anderson a modeling contract and she accepted.

Pamela Denise Anderson was born at 4:08am, July 1, 1967 in Ladysmith, British Columbia, Canada. 1967 was Canada’s Centennial year and Pamela was the first baby born this day in all of Canada earning her the title "The Centennial Baby". This earned her an article in the local newspaper, the Ladysmith-Chemainus Chronicle. The Anderson’s received cash prizes and awards for having the first baby born in Canada on this day, Canada’s 100th Birthday. "That’s where it all started" says Pamela.

Shortly after that, her parents Barry, a furnace repairman and Carol, a waitress, moved to Comox, British Columbia where they purchased a large six bedroom house on Douglas Street. Comox is about 200 kilometers north of Vancouver, British Columbia and it was there one day in a library that Pamela’s modeling career would start. Pamela was sitting listening to a story with about one hundred other children when a photographer captured a picture of her that won the hearts of all that saw viewed it. It was quickly copyrighted and placed in all the libraries in British Columbia

Frederick Hubbard Gwynne was a tall man, measuring 6′5″, but that wasn’t for playing the beloved father of the monster family. Every day of recording Gwynne would put 50 pounds of padding, makeup, and would strap on 4-inch elevator shoes. His face was actually painted a bright red because it captured the most amount of light on black-and-white film. When asked off camera in his later years about Herman, Gwynne was quoted as saying “I might as well tell you the truth. I love old Herman Munster. Much as I try not to, I can’t stop liking that fellow.”

Having over 55 TV and movie credits to his name, Gwynne was a celebrated movie and stage actor as well as a father of four and loving husband. Gwynne died of pancreatic cancer in 1993, just 8 days short of his 67th birthday. His grave remains unmarked in Finksburg, MD.

Albert Meister was an American actor whose life was extinguished after a short 82 years. Lewis is best known as his role of Grandpa, where he would be forever type cast. In order to have a more complete life post his monster-job, Lewis opened a restaurant, was a political candidate, and a radio broadcaster. A little known fact about Lewis is that he played the father to Lily, who he was younger than in real life.

One thing for sure is that Lewis had been found contradicting himself many times. Facts that could never be proven include his birth year (1910 or 1923), his questionable Ph.D. from Columbia, his claims to have been in World War II, and whether he was ever a good actor.

Margaret Yvonne Middleton of Vancouver, British Columbia was the female lead of the TV show, which she played rather convincingly (I still have nightmare sexual dreams about her). While on the show, Lily was never looked poorly upon for her choice in following the TV career, though it was a large drop in popularity versus her movie career where she played opposite actors like Burt Lancaster, Clark Gable, and Siney Poitier.

Yvonne was honored with two stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame and will be looked upon with interesting thoughts since she released a book about initimate friends, including Aly Khan, Billy Wilder, Burt Lancaster, Howard Hughes, Robert Stack and Robert Taylor.

Patrick Alan Lilley peaked as Eddie, where he received $600 per episode (while the average adult salary was $46 a week). Of course because most sitcom actors from the 1960’s receive no residuals, Butch would continue to have to work in order to make a living. In order to ride the Eddie into the ground, Butch started a band named Eddie & The Monsters.

Butch would show up on VH1’s list of 100 Greatest Kid Stars, coming in at #45. Then in July 2008 he would be seen on a courtroom TV show because his website was robbed by a friend, which he wound up having to pay $1,400 because of.

Beverly played the role of Marilyn during the first season only (a role she disliked, and only accepted out of contractual obligations to Universal Studios). After thirteen episodes, Owen left the program to get married, and was replaced by Pat Priest. Beginning in 1971 she appeared for two years on Another World, after which she retired from television and chose to perform exclusively in live theatre.

Truth is that there’s not much more information about Owen, as she wasn’t the prettier or more talented of the Marilyn’s and besides off-off-Broadway stuff she probably only did work in high school auditoriums.

The running gag of Marilyn’s character was that this normal, beautiful blonde was keenly aware that she was the “ugly” or “plain” one in the family. Priest continued where Owen left off until the series ended. Priest was by far the most attractive regular on the show and would most likely have been asked to join Baywatch if the Hoff were out of diapers at that time.

After the series ended, Priest appeared on episodes of TV programs such as Bewitched, Perry Mason and Mary Tyler Moore. Though she retired in the 1980’s, she continues to attend “Munster” revivals and conventions.

The Raven was voiced by Mel Blanc and occasionally Bob Hastings. The raven lives in the Munsters’ cuckoo clock and repeats the word “Nevermore”. It is Herman’s target when he’s angered, causing Herman to throw objects at him on occasions. Sometimes, the raven will come out of his clock, but often only for short periods, or to flee when he thinks there is a catastrophe.

I’m not sure what caused Hastings to have to follow up Blanc for this prestigious, faceless job… but it’s always nice to have an understudy.

Alluring

The Temptress

Naughty

Playful

Incontinent

Concentrating

Demure

Thoughtful

Seductive

Beautiful

Using the STD rating system which accounts for severity of disease, likelyhood of infection, wealth and looks (see Figure-8 below the list) Jessica is the most desirable disease riddled starlet.

Her disease was apparently given to her by Derek Jeter. A former employee of her ex-boyfriend Cash Warren used to go out on runs and refill her Valtrex prescription on a regular basis

Reportedly Kritanna passed the gift that keeps giving it to her boyfriend, Justin Whalin. Her most memorable role was as the female terminator in Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines. Being a converted fashion model the less she speaks the better when acting.

Loken stated in an interview with Curve magazine, "I have dated and have had sex with men and women and have to say that the relationships I have had with certain women have been much more fulfilling, sexually and emotionally, than of those with certain men… I connect with an aura, with energy. And if the person with whom I connect happens to be a female, that’s just the way it is. That’s what makes my wheels turn."

Pamela Anderson is making strong progress in her battle against Hepatitis C - her doctor has declared her fitter and healthier at 40 than she’s ever been in her life. In 2003, Anderson claimed she was not expected to live for more than 10 or 15 years after contracting the disease from ex-husband Tommy Lee - but last October the former Baywatch star announced her determination to defy all odds and cure the virus completely.

Her numbers would be higher, but her looks are on the downhill slope and she can’t rely on her acting skills to pay her phone bill.

Victoria Beckham the former Spice Girl turned freakish alien example of plastic surgery gone too far (ala Michael Jackson) would be the wealthiest on this list if her and her husband didn’t manage money like Fannie Mae. The poster couple for nouveau riche jet sets around the world buying up orchards and reportedly Victoria aka "Poche Spice" sports a seven million dollar ring.

Victoria probably picked up the Herp from one of her husband’s thousand plus groupie count.

Paris neglected to pay off her bills for a storage unit and her belongings were auctioned off. Thanks once again to that storage locker which held more secrets than the chest in Raiders of the Lost Ark, a medical record/prescription info insert emerged for a drug called Valtrex, which is used to treat outbreaks of genital herpes.

The troubled celebutante, sort of actress, sort of singer was formerlly a professional heiress was but written out of the will for her crazy antics. That cost her more than fifty million dollars and at least two spots on this list.

This former child model went on to become a late-teen Disney movie star to wild party girl with not much of an acting future. By all accounts she has given up men and is set to marry Samantha Ronson within a year.

Prior to switching teams Lohan went through more male actors than a catering truck. She has recently taken a break from acting to drive under the influence and get back her girlish figure in rehab centers.

Her career has tapered off since two succesful TV shows (Charmed and Who’s The Boss) and her career is mostly limited to B Movies and the Sci-Fi Channel.

She is sweet, loves sports and visits the troops so with her good looks you could probably put up with the odd flare up.

Britney’s well telivised downward spiral has led her to wake up in more than one strange bed after a drug filled evening of partying. This former member of the Mickey Mouse Club even kissed Madonna on the lips, and that’s roughly equivelent to locking lips with a half dozen Bangkok prostitutes. She has been doucmented buying Zovirax in Kentwood.

The head shaving, well publicised drug problems, losing her children to Kevin Federline and massive weight gain have all taken their toll on her career and more importantly her cash supplies.

Janet Jackson had a list of her perscriptons leaked online. Here is a link from smoking gun with her actual perscription for Zovirax (an antiviral drug, a synthetic nucleoside analogue, that is active against the herpes viruses,)

She has the highest wealth on the list but looks too much like her child fondling brother Michael to score too high on this list. Besides at 42 she is one of the oldest on this list and is prone to massive (Oprah-esque) weight gains.

Katie seems like a nice enough child bride in the happy Scientology family. She would rank higher in wealth, but signed a $40 million dollar prenuptual agreement with Tom Cruise. I think for $40 million I would let the man nearly twice her age slobber all over me and give me herpes.