Some moron has decided into park in one of our spots and we are way too immature to let this go without wildly inappropriate overreaction. Parking directly behind the parktard didn’t seem to do the trick so we decided to get the city involved, or at least by proxy.

Goofball taking up my spot.

First overreaction - park directly behind said moron and make it so he can’t leave until well after dark.

Inspiration strikes - why not let the city reserve my parking.

Can’t be a felony - this thing couldn’t cost that much money, and technically I am just moving it. So third strike is still in reserve for something more fun down the line.

There now we can drive off before any more witnesses observe our latest office prank, would have gone faster if someone hadn’t locked the hatch.

Always good to involve accomplices so you can blame whatever happens on the group and you would have never done anything this dumb on my own.

Easy setup and my new reserved parking is now in place.

FOND DU LAC, Wisconsin — It’s possible that the world’s largest toilet paper prank is in the making, and though we few and proud at Retard Zone are known for pranks, this isn’t our doing.

Fond du Lac County Executive Allen Buechel said someone has been repeatedly stealing toilet paper from the men’s public bathrooms at the Fond du Lac City County Government Center since June. Unfortunately it appears that the Fond du Lac City police department aren’t as smart as the thief.

Buechel suspects the person comes in once or twice a week around midday and gets about six rolls a week from dispensers. Some rolls weren’t even full, he said. The thefts haven’t been a big loss. “We don’t buy the best toilet paper,” Buechel said.

He expects the thief to get caught. “Someone is going to walk in on him when he’s doing it and we’ll catch him,” he said. Courthouse officials are on the lookout for suspicious activity. County sheriff Capt. Dean Will didn’t return a call for comment Friday.

Though I can tell you what’s happening here, as I’ve been planning the big toilet paper caper since 4th grade (it was a long couple years, I had the time to plan things). The toilet paper will wind up decorating trees throughout a few neighborhoods, making it sort of look like Christmas time, only if snow were toilet paper. As we all know, there a 1,001 uses for toilet paper.

click for more toilet paper humor

People are always coming into my office taking candy, and that’s cool I leave it out. I just figure they should have to work for it every once and a while. Last time I used epoxy to seal the candy jar. This time I figured I’d bury it in crap people wouldn’t want so they’d have to earn the candy…

First a nice big empty container with plenty of room for junk above the candy layer.

Next a variety of different candies, this selection should attract all breeds of free candy scroungers.

Next the first layer of unwanted junk, leftover post its from my last prank where i covered an office in post its. Those are still on the wall by the way, she likes them and others have even asked for their walls to be decorated. As is the plastic packing sheet that I left on some morons computer that I told her was a very expensive scratch guard.

That should be enough post it notes to discourage the casual candy grabber.

7 foot network cables are cool to nerds like me, but most people will give up before they make it past this layer.

Dry erase markers are fun for some people but this should all but the hungriest.

Free ketchup packets make a nice consolation prize, and at only 10 calories much healthier than the candy underneath!

Trick or treat! Beware the plastic forks, for an extra degree of difficulty we have booby-trapped the jar with harmless yet fearsome looking forks from KFC - dangit now I’m hungry again. We’ll keep you posted on how the candy thieves make out with our new candy jar.

UPDATE:

Candy thief number one just wanted a post it note so we weren’t sure if that counted or not…

OK, here is thief number two depending on how you are keeping score at home:

Our second candy thief came dressed as a headless co-worker wearing a curtain from holiday inn. Actually she has a head it’s just sticking in the jar looking for a candy.

She had to dig pretty deep, next time we need an even bigger jar.

Success or failure depending on which side you’re on.

Uh oh, never get between a fat chick and candy.

Like a bear with a tamper resistant garbage can, it won’t stop her but will make her work for it.

Not looking good, she smells candy.

The aftermath, next time we will have to do more to protect the candy. No big deal after spending the morning throwing the candy into the jar ricocheting it off of both walls we didn’t want it anyway. By the way the wall has little candy ricochet marks, little dents in the paint and little color spots. We will be putting posters there soon to hide any incriminating crayon like marks on the wall.

If you have any suggestions for future office ideas just leave a comment. As long as it doesn’t involve firearms or explosives we’ll probably try it.

Last Candy Prank